Letting go

I wake up with a knot heavy in my stomach and now that this is not a feeling I ever want to feel again. This past year has twisted, turned, and knotted me so much that I'm now this new twisted beauty that only the eye of the true beholder can appreciate.

Reflecting back on this past year, I've discovered so much since my departure from the Foss mansion. I've made some true friendships with individuals that I never dreamed I'd ever meet and I am truly blessed to have them in my life. I have learned so much as a newling in this new world, I can't say it's all been happy times, but it has all made me into the vampiress I am now. Those that have always stood by my side, supported me, never judged me for the slips I've made, are my true family.

I needed to say goodbye to my past and look forward to the future. I have my memories all good and bad and they'll always be there, stored away for a day I need to reminisce, but I needed to let go of it all. No more holding onto hope for things that will never change.

I know my twin, Sharon, secretly wishes that our family will return, but I know better. They are gone. My coven family. All have moved on, left to start new lives and I needed to do the same. I'm not the old Viktoria I was when Rick saved me and thrust me into this cursed life for eternity. I can't continue to chase the ghosts of the past with hope that they'll return.

I sigh running my hands through my hair as I rise from the bed. I needed to ground and cleanse. I could feel the energy heavy in my home. The once light and happy home so full of hope for a new beginning. I move to the shower, stripping my clothes along the way, leaving them there as I pad over my plush carpet and into the cool tiled floor of my bathroom. I reach the shower stall, slowly opening the glass door to walk in and start the water. I set the temperature just right, stepping under the spray to allow the warmth to wash over me and down the curves of my body. I lift my palm to rest against the cool wall, my head lowered as the water continues to pelt softly down my body. I close my eyes imagining that the water is made of light, washing my spirit and all the negative energy buzzing deep inside of my solar plex chakra. I imagine it's washing it all down, down into the drain and down deep into the earth. I ask that the energy be recycled, cleansed, and returned to positive to me. I feel my spirit slowly rousing from the darkness that encased it and lift my head to wash the water and last of my tears down the drain.

I grab the soap, lathering it up to wash my body and wash all of this away. I shut the water off after washing and rinsing my hair and step out to snag a clean towel off the nearby hook to dry my body. I wrap it around my body, grabbing another to dry and wrap my hair before returning to my bedroom. So empty, just like the rest of my home. Empty and quiet. Too quiet.

I dress slowly, moving to brush my hair and finishing my morning routine, slipping on my smoky quartz ring. I walk out of my room, heading for my meditation room for my supplies. I grab the sage and my crystal pouch, setting the sage in the shell, my pouch around my neck and light up the sage to get it going. I blow softly on the sage, fanning my hand as I start the cleansing in my healing room. I move around my home, opening all the doors, and fanning the smoke into all the little nooks and crannies to get all the energy cleansed. I finish up downstairs, opening all the windows and the front and back door to allow the smoke and energy flow out of my home. I see the smoke dissipate and feel the atmosphere lighten and know that it is finally cleansed.

I shut everything up, putting out the sage, and returning everything to my healing room. I brush my hands off, taking a deep cleansing breathe and know it'll get better from here on out.

Like a friend said earlier this week to me. "The only way to go when you've hit bottom is up."

I walk down to the front door, grabbing my bag as I head out the door. I open it up stepping out and into the sunlight. I brush my hand over the pink heart stone decorating my neck, as I hold my head up high and smile brightly up at the sky as I say.

"The only way is up!"

Smoky Quartz metaphysical benefits -

Quartz is believed to have the ability to neutralize energy. It aids in bringing the natural Yin and Yang energy flows within the body into balance, which is highly useful when the individual has tendencies to go from emotional highs to emotional lows, or when the natural polarities in the body’s systems need to be brought back to the center. It is an excellent stone for those who work with energy as a means of treating both body and spirit. Several authors have recommended that smoky quartz be used when treating depression and fatigue, stating that it has solid value as a useful tool.

Quartz is one of the most efficient grounding and anchoring stones. It is a superb antidote to stress as it assists in tolerating difficult times with equanimity, fortifying resolve. To dispel stress, place a stone in hand and sit quietly for a few moments. To draw off negative energies, place point away from body. Point the stone towards the body to energize. The stone grounds spiritual energy and gently neutralizes negative vibrations. It blocks stress and assists elimination and detoxification on all levels. Quartz teaches you how to leave behind anything that no longer serves you. For example, it has been known to heal addictions and obsessions.

Psychologically, the stone is a mood elevator- it relieves fear, enhances security and safety, and brings on emotional calmness. It has been known to alleviate suicidal tendencies and ambivalence. It aids acceptance of the physical body and the sexual nature, enhances virility and cleanses the base charka so that passion can flow naturally. Mentally, it promotes positive, pragmatic thought and can be used to give clear insight and to neutralize fear of failure. It dissolves contradictions, promotes concentration, and alleviates communication difficulties. It is also an excellent aid for clearing the mind for meditation.

Quartz is beneficial to one who finds the need to move forward within himself. It can be extremely helpful to one who is contemplating his relationship with life, exploring his value system, and seeking inner meaning. When meaning is discovered, the magic of smoky quartz is said to be excellent in working to bring one’s dreams into manifestation. Smoky quartz connects us with our higher self. It encourages us to take up contact with this higher self and to pray. It tells us to trust our intuition. As such, it is an excellent choice for those who are unaccustomed to the contact with our inner self.

A very practical belief about smoky quartz is that it is most useful in helping settle or calm a disagreement between people. Just as it can bring harmony to the natural energy system of the body, it may also bring about harmony and help to ground a quarrel. The unusual energy, which transforms quartz into smoky quartz, enables this stone to provide one with insight, learning how to see the nature of incarnate existence as a pathway towards spiritual joy.

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Getting wet

There have been some *ahem* unpredictable showers lately around this naughty newling. I decided to pull out my trusty umbrella to help all the moisture around me. *grins*

A new friend has helped a bit by sharing his clever sham wow, falling from the sky trick. *laughs thinking about the outcome of said sham wow shower* I'll take the time to warn you all about frisky sham wows. *shrugs* Who knew? Good thing for him I was around to save his ass, literally, from any further invasions. LMAO

So as I swirl my umbrella around I start to think dancing and remembering the moves to a movie I saw recently. Check it out and image my naughty ass do these moves. Enjoy and please be sure to clean up your mess when you're done.

*winks, smacking my lips, and switching my hips as I walk away*

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Camp out

Anticipating my twin's return, I had spent the day before packing up Sharon's room. With the help of my new friend JC it didn't take half as long to box away the trinkets and memory holding items to store away in the attic.

Having accomplished my task, I went about with my next plan. I knew it would be hard for Sharon to return to the mansion, so I quickly came up with the idea of a camp out. I flew around the mansion gathering up all the materials we would need. I worked in the backyard to construct a fort out of some sheets, string up some lights, and prepare the goodies for the night. I was feeling smores were the only possible snack for a camp out. I finished the preparations and called my twin to ask her to join us.

Lex was practically bouncing with excitement, Samantha , a fairy we have been helping with a place to stay and recover her memory, was equally eager to get the nights activities started. Once Sharon arrived we quickly relocated to the backyard to start the smores and girl talk. The night flew by with the fun, and Lex was the first to settle in for the night. Sharon, now donning Winnie the pooh jammies, was feeling like she needed some snuggles, so she crawled up to Lex's side of the fort and burrowed in. I felt a bit left out and also wearing Winnie the Pooh jammies, asked to be included in the snuggle fest.

Sharon pulled me down and she ended up being the cream in our snuggle sandwich. I'm sure that is what she needed to feel, surrounded by the love we had for her. Soon enough we shut our eyes to the world around us and the hurt that we wanted to hide from.

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Farewell and love

  “When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell

 Letting go of the past is never easy. Especially when it's not by your choice. When I came into my new life as a newling, it was unexpected and I was thrust into the arms of a family I knew nothing about. In time I grew to know and care for this new family and I'm very protective of them. I'd never known a feeling like this before as my family had long been gone. In time I felt accepted and loved.

My maker, Rickard, chose to turn me for whatever reason he kept to himself  and he's chosen to leave me here. It's not my place to question him as he is my maker, but I wish he had taken the time to say goodbye. My only indication that something was wrong was the excruciating pain I felt in the center of my chest. It dropped me from the sky and had me crashing into the earth below me. I laid upon the earth broken and bloodied from my fall. I felt like something was being ripped from my being and all I could do was cry out in pain into the night.

Hours later the pain had finally subsided and my body healed leaving me with an emptiness I had never experienced. Wiping at the blood stains off my cheeks, I attempted to fly home only to find my wings and body too weak. I walked with my head hanging, back to the mansion.

I'd already figured out what had happened. My intuition had been prodding me for weeks. I'd brushed it away when Rick had returned from his last disappearance, hoping that it was wrong for once. I was clearly mistaken. With each passing day I felt our tie weaken. There was a darkness that was growing inside of him daily and he was changing from the Rickard we all loved and cared for. The reaper was consuming him slowly, breaking down the life inside of him that drew us in.

As I entered the mansion I could sense the change in the energy around it. It was dampened from it's normal vibrancy and there was a cloud of sadness so thick that it was overwhelming me. I fought with my empathic side to allow me to continue on. I had to be sure this was not some mistake, he couldn't have left his newborn child alone.

I continued reluctantly down the hall and paused a moment at the doorway to his room. My legs weakened beneath me and I had to grip the door jab to keep myself from crumbling to the floor. He was gone. His beloved swords were missing and the drawers were still open with clothing hanging from them and strewn across the floor. The blood tears started to leak from the corners of my eyes, my body shaking from the reality that he departed from his family. Cut his ties and abandoned his children.

Who was I to go to now? My brother? Is he to take over the life lessons I needed?

I pulled myself together long enough to make it to my room. I entered, closed the door, and lowered to the floor. I folded my body into lotus position and escaped from the harsh reality surrounding me. I calmed my breathing enough to relax my mind and leave my body behind. My spirit left my body in a rush and shot straight into the ether. I needed to heal, I needed my guide to help me get through this.

In the spiritual realm time ceases to exist. I have no idea how long I was away from my body, but I returned somewhat healed. Upon slipping back into my physical body, I still felt the emptiness heavy inside of me. I had no idea how to heal this pain still evident in my heart. The cure came to me after a moment. Donan. I quickly showered and changed and went to find my shifter.

 I am his angel, fallen from above. Mourning dove I am no more.

Out of the dark comes a light that beckons me. He is my heart and carries me when I need to be held. He puts me back together when the pieces threaten to tear me apart.

Donan, he's been my shelter, my protector, my confidant, and my lover. He's all of these things and so much more. He knows just what I need and when I need it. I don't need to tell him, he senses it within me. He's so in tuned with my emotions it's scary at times.

He knew something was wrong when I came to him. I tried to put on a smile, but he quickly saw through it. Taking me into his arms he asked what was wrong. I tell him about my maker and he inquired about my next step.

"What will you do now, lover?"

"There's nothing I can do about him leaving, he's gone. All I can do now is move forward. Don't worry, I'm still here."

"What do you mean you're still here? You would have left?" he loomed above me with a slight frown on his face.

"I thought about it, but I would have taken you with me."

"Do I have to cage you? I'll do it."

I shake my head and mouth the words 'No'. He seems appeased with my answer and pulls my slight body against his.

That night, my Donan presented me with a ring he had picked out for me. On his knees he asked me to be HIS. I accepted immediately of course. We had an exchanging of energies, a melding of souls, and a blood bond created. He took a piece of me into him and locked it away for safe keeping. He loves knowing that without him I'd never be whole.  And that's just how I love it as well.

With him taking a part of me into his being, I'd never felt so complete, so tied to someone before. I embrace the feelings I get from him and the love that is bouncing from one of us to the other.

He is my protector, my defender, my lover, my knight in shining armor, and my mate. I love him with all my heart and soul. Without him I'd be a shell of my former self. I hope I never know that pain. 

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Power

In any sexual encounter there are exchanges made, most are obvious, but to an empath it's much more than that. There is a give and take. A power exchange that takes place. It can be a heady experience and addicting. When you are able to control the power flowing into you, sometimes it's hard to stop it before you literally drain your partner.

My first encounter with my new addiction was at the island. Being with the males was a rush in itself. All those willing bodies for my deviant desires. I quickly went through a few good warriors, before Sharon was kind enough to inform me of their recharging ability when in the water. That changed things for me. Being able to breathe underwater, I was able to go nonstop for hours.

That's when things took a turn for me. Feeling the overwhelming energy the male siren was pulling from the water, was too tempting for me to ignore. Something awakened inside of me with the influx of energy surrounded me. It was clawing to surface to gorge on the energy. Like a starved animal that had been lying dormant all this time.  I was unable to halt this part of me from pulling the energy from the siren into myself. I closed my eyes and relished in the power it was giving me. It took over me completely until I felt the siren cease his movements. I opened my eyes to look at the male, and was horrified to see the life starting to slip from his eyes.

I disengaged from him immediately and took to the sky. I didn't want to cause any problems on my sister's island. I fled fast and hard, my body trembling from the force it was taking me to control this new part of me. My hands felt warm, getting warmer by the second. I lifted them and saw they were glowing brighter than before and I couldn't stop the gnawing from inside of me. I looked to the horizon and saw land fast approaching. I was unaware of where I was, but I needed to calm myself and the new land seemed the perfect place to do this. My feet touched down in a small forest near a village and I collapsed to the forest floor. I tried to fight the clawing, the craving for more energy. It was demanding I feed it more. I tried to ground it into the earth, allow it to slide down my tether to the center of it, but it refused to go. It dug its claws in deep, attached itself to the light within me. I felt it start to pull my energy and I panicked. I refused to allow this thing distinguish my internal light.

My attention was averted from my internal panic as I hear a twig break in the distance. I flew up to the tree above and spotted a large male walking through the forest. Perfect. I flashed to the male and immediately compelled him into silence. I pushed him down, straddled his waist, and unleashed the animal I was tentatively controlling. It halted its sucking of my light, and moved on to it's new victim. I placed my hands onto the male's shoulders and began drawing his energy into me. My body shuddered in ecstasy as the waves crash into me. I writhed on him as the animal fed. Far too soon I felt the energy slow considerably. I opened my eyes and saw that the male was lifeless below me.

I scurried away from the body and stopped when I hit a tree. Covering my mouth in horror, I now know what this 'animal' is. This was not unexpected, in fact I was dreading when this would happen. I'd been waring with my body constantly, trying to ground and clear all the negative energy from polluting me. I had hoped with my recent home cleansing, it would lift the environment I was living in.

Unfortunately that was not the case. I felt my energy being drained daily, feeling fatigued, I tried to hide it to keep from raising any alarms, but you can only confine the darkness that resides in you for so long before it escapes.

During my researches into empathic abilities I had run into the word 'Psychic Vampire' many times. I could never understand how a person with healing abilities would use their gift as a weapon. I always chose to work with the lighter beings, the positive in life. But it seems that I've no choice in this matter. If this new part of me will claw and demand it be fed, or feed from me, then I must bring it
bodies to feed from.

I look inside myself and see that it is satisfied with what it's been given. I have no idea if this will be sufficient in the future or what the future holds for me. Perhaps I can get away with small sips of energy from several bodies? Surely a small sip here and there cannot hurt anyone, right? With that last thought, I resolve to do just that. I rose from the ground and scooped up the male to dispose of him before returning to my new home.

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Sensitive

Yes this newling has a hidden sensitive side. Many don't know this about me, and I've mentioned it on a previous post, but I'll reveal more about what makes me so sensitive. 

When I was a small child I had always been overly emotional. I'd burst into tears easily at the harsh words of another or when I was close to someone who was having a bad day. I never understood my reactions… until a few years ago that is. 

After the death of someone close to me I was surprised to have a dream of this person. It was so vivid that it was almost like a visitation from them. Waking the next morning and remembering the visions from the night before, I recalled this was not the first time I'd experienced something like that. Memories from my time as a child rushed to the front of my mind and awakened something hidden within me. 

I felt as if someone or something was encouraging me to follow the breadcrumbs to discover the gifts long since hidden from myself. 

I started researching about dreams and stumbled upon books about spiritual visitations. Reading about this topic quickly led me to the discovery that I'm a Clairsentient or empath. 

**Empath is a term coming into common usage to refer to a person with expanded sensitivity or clairsentience.
Empath may also refer to:
* Feeling strongly what someone else feels. Picking up emotion and pain from violent movies, violence in the news, watching a violent act.
       
*Empath (fiction), any fictional character that has a paranormal or psychic ability to sense the emotions of others.” (Wikipedia)**

Delving further into these books, I would feel this comforting vibration upon my back. Almost in a soothing manner. After reading about meditations and clearing your mind, I set about to practice. Once I began to ground myself, tying my energy to the center of the earth, I started to see things. Strange ripples of colors surrounding people and objects. Looking to my books for answers I learned about energy and auras. 

Everything is composed of energy. I'd always heard this, but never really gave it any thought. Once I learned to control my emotions, the next step in my discovery was handling of energy. 

Many empaths usually becoming healers. being able to see the energy surrounding someone helps to locate and Aleve their aliments. I used crystals to help draw power from and helped others heal their wounds. both internally and spiritually.

Working with energy, crystals, and healing soon opened my eyes even further. The vibrations surrounding me started to form into light beings. Where I was once able to feel them, they started to reveal themselves to me. 

Angels are all around us. If we take the time to open our minds and eyes they will reveal themselves to us. 

I’ve met my guide. She’d been with me from the beginning. I remember speaking to her as a child, but as the years passed I allowed the outside world’s views to cloud my eyes. She had been waiting…in the back, always watching out for me. I now know that she was the presence I’d felt around me from the beginning. She guides me along the path she feels is best for me to follow. I may disagree with her at first, but I feel she only has my best interests at heart. So I follow her with complete trust.

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Red bull gives you wings?

Despite what the slogan for Red bull states, it does not actually give you wings. If you want wings your best bet is to approach my brother Gavin. He is a genius with magic and knows all the herbs to get the job done. The night started out happy and finally feeling as if we were starting to mend the riffs that were threatening to tear our happy coven apart.

Gavin returned bearing gifts for all. With the damage left from his abrupt leaving, it seemed he was trying to make his apologizes by presenting us with his finds. For me he bestowed a magical potion to manifest the wings I’ve been admiring and begging him for. Master Rick was not happy with this change in his newest child. but I plan to show him the benefits of having wings.

Next he presented his mate with a lovely gift. A blood ring. It will feed his mate with his energy when he is not close to her. he states that it will keep her sated while the distance is between them.

From there he moved on to Alexia. He had promised to find her a pet and he kept his promise by handing her Tex, a griffin, and the newest member of the Foss Coven. He didn’t come to us in this size I assure you. He was a cute little pup once, but with Gavin’s encouragement to feed him a apple from Alexia he quickly transformed into the fierce beast below. I’ve cautioned her to cease with the feeding of magical fruit as I don’t want him to eye me as one of it’s prey.

And lastly he approached our maker. He has but one gift left to bestow. Asking for him to take his vein, he wraps his arm around him and pushes his power into him. That’s when things went south. Hearing my maker’s cries frightened me. There was nothing I could do as Gavin pulled up a shield to block what was happening. My maker screamed out in pain as his bones began to protrude from his back and his body transform into…this.

I can’t even explain how I felt when I saw my maker transform into this dark entity. I had hoped that my maker would get wings so he may fly with the rest of the coven, but never did I want this. Gavin ever the protector, took master away to heal. I can only pray that he is able to bring back master from whatever darkness that has it’s hold on him.

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